Wednesday, March 9, 2011

68/365 - dysfunctional

Sorry I didn't post last night. I did take a photo yesterday, but I don't want to post it. It was a snapshot of some students and I'm not sure I have all of their permission to publish it on the web.

Anyway, Here's today's post. Lately, and for no apparent reason other than normal stress, the panic attacks have returned with a vengeance. I had been doing relatively well controlling it. I'll get it back in check eventually. I hope. I have to. I can't keep missing work, like I did today. When things are like this I am dysfunctional, despite reason and meds. Every thing seems amplified, both literally with my hearing and figuratively with little things becoming huge issues in my head. I cannot concentrate, I feel like shit physically, and guilt and embarrassment flow like water. At least now, I know what it is and that it will pass. I have coping strategies and meditations (and medication, too) that help. I have previous successes and attack free periods to build on and give myself confidence. I haven't gone into "the cave" or been "stuck" in my house for quite some time. So, I'm still making progress and this just a relatively minor battle. Don't get me wrong, It sucks. It interrupts my life and very few people really understand it. I get really tired of dealing with this and feeling like a freak, but considering where I was and where I am now with it, this still isn't the worst series of attacks I've had.


  1. You are NOT a freak and I will not let you call my friend that. I've been very impressed and proud of how you've coped with the anxiety etc this winter. This is just a rough patch and I know you'll work at it and it will pass.

  2. Thanks so much, Paige. I'm SO glad I have a friend like you, especially when these patches come. Thanks for being supportive and understanding.(and for not letting me call myself a freak)

  3. Mendy- I love you with all of my heart and NEVER think that you are a freak-never ever. You have been doing really really really great- and so if you're in a rough patch, then try to concentrate on all of the successes you have had, because I think they FAR OUTWEIGH any bad days.
    I have been EXTREMELY excited at how far you have come with dealing with everything just in the years since you student taught with me. Back then, you wouldn't have EVER driven to St. Louis by yourself to take pictures. You wouldn't have EVER been willing to take off and lead student trips to another country. You would have NEVER had the guts to change jobs when a job was driving you nuts- you would have just quit. You are kicking this things butt, so just because "it" won a battle, doesn't mean "it" is going to win the war. have many more troops on your side now...
    I want you to remember something that I told you one other time when you were at a low point- if you can't get out of the house to be with me, I WILL COME TO YOU. If you need me, please reach out.

  4. Melissa, I'm so touched. Many of those things wouldn't have happened with your help and encouragement. I wouldn't even have those fabulous troops behind me if you hadn't introduced us. So from the bottom of my heart, thanks a million.

    P and M - This winter has been much better than past winters. I have the two of to thank for that.